Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Another part of terminal illness in middle adulthood, and at any age for that matter, that is very sad to me is how the social roles change when a person gets sick and cannot participate in activities as they used to. That is something I saw with my neighbor, that I wrote about in my first blog. My mom told me that when they were in high school, he was a football player as well as a very handsome man that was very popular. She told me that he was very active and had the best personality. He got married out of high school and had two children. He also had a great job, bought a house in a nice neighborhood, and was living what some would call the American dream. However, after he got sick, his wife left him and his friends stopped coming around. I remember seeing him sitting at the end of the driveway, in his wheelchair, waiving at cars as they passed. It seemed like when he had nothing these people considered valuable to offer; they did not want him to be a part of their life anymore. It was very sad to see that happen. Not only do terminally ill people have enough to deal with concerning their illness, but it seems as if they have little support as well as very little normalcy left in their lives after their illness reaches a certain level. I don't understand how someone can call themselves a friend or say they love someone and then leave them when they are needed the most.
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Jennifer, I do not understand that either. How can someone walk away from a friend or loved one when they need them the most. I have seen it happen with my mother and have had a very difficult time accepting the change in roles that have developed since she became ill. I have had to learn to not worry about what others do or don't do and concentrate on what I can do. I have a brother that has not come to see Mother in two years. I have attempted to guilt him into coming with no avail. I have not given up on him but I have stopped bothering him. I now pray each day that he realizes how important it is for him to come visit. I am sure the people who have abandoned your friend feel guilty about leaving him but they are taking the easier road. You can't change the way people feel or react to these situations, you can only do what you can and move on.
This past week I moment contemplated for a moment that my life could something I had been taking for granted. For the second or third time (they all run together) I had to sit in the office of my surgeon and talk about my recent mammogram and the little spots that shouldnt have been there. I think that people get scared, dont know what to say and then just back away. Seems rather selfish, but its got to be very scary to think about losing someone and helping along the way. How scary it is to be the one who is ill. Topics of conversation change from kids and shopping to chemo and throwing up. A friend at church had to stay with her young daughter in a far away hospital as she underwent chemo. Once she returned, she commented that she had a hard time falling back into place. Life, everyones lives, had kept moving, but hers was frozen, hoping that her daughter would beat this thing. I think that those with terminal illness may be living in the day, for that could be their last. Everyone else is worried about tomorrow.
Sometimes I think there is a tendency to feel like someone else's tragedy can become ours-like cancer or divorce or bankruptcy can be contageous. I remember when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer and then was confined to the house people would come by with desserts and meals and flowers but most times they left them with who ever answered our door. We would ask them if they wanted to come in and speak with my Mom but most declined and said they needed to get home. Some people were very tacky. One woman who came in wanted my mother to work out a sign to use from the "other side" so this woman would know if my mother was contacting her. Another woman included a note addressed to my Dad. It read in effect that her husband was now gone and she had always thought my dad was "nice" and she had enjoyed working for him. She suggested that when my Mom was gone, he should not waste too much time calling her. I was always thankful that my Mother hadn't gotten that note by mistake.
The result of not staying in touch with my Mother was not only to isolate her but to isolate my family especially my Dad as well. After my Mom died, if my dad brought her up in casual conversation with friends and family people would change the conversation which seemed to further invalidate his loss when he was just experiencing a poignant reminiscence. So much for the phrase, Gone but not forgotten.
That was very sad to read. I feel awful for anyone facing the end of their life but then to be left alone to do so is even worse. My friend Erika's mother is currently under hospice care and Erika would never abandon her mother in her time of need but I do hear her share LOTS of frustration with dealing with everything that comes with this end of life issue. Erika's brothers have also started visiting less and less and helping less. There are no excuses for abandoning someone in their time of need but I think that some people are not strong enough to stick around in the tough times or maybe they are just too selfish.
I'm sorry but in my opinion this paints a bigger picure. What in the world were their motives? That is scary and unfortunate. I personally think that people dont know, havent been taught, or dont care what it means to be committed to something or someone. You probably can tell that commitment is something that I am passionate about and I would say that people should not be so rude as to bruise someone that they love. I am also going to say that we have to be more specific and mindful of the people that we let in our lives. As Weil states, intuition is not something that is taught but learned. We have to learn that our lives, hearts, and emotions are to be valued above all. This is not to say that this gentleman did not consider these things but humans, as well all know, should never forget to treat others the way they would want to be treated
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